Saturday, November 20, 2010

Normal

Normal is such a funny word. Ridiculous, actually. I mean, I know the word serves a purpose and everything, but no one has the same "normal." Which kind of defeats the meaning if you think about it. For a long time, this word did not ever really bother me. I'm sure there were times in junior high, when everything was totally awkward, that I was probably super concerned with being "normal." But it seems like the minute a little confidence arrived, there also arrived a point where I wanted to be unique...stand out from the crowd. So then being considered "normal" kind of turned into a negative thing.

Finishing high school and college and then going on to grad school, I guess I felt like I was following a path considered somewhat "typical" of my peers, which is a word I much prefer to use for some reason. And when I got married, I remember feeling so excited to start a life with my best friend. I couldn't wait to settle into what I considered the seemingly "normal" existence that I had hoped for. This included my husband, a job I enjoyed, and a home where I felt secure. And expanding our family.

Then when lil'bub tumbled into my universe, everything about this word changed for me. Everything. Suddenly, nothing seemed "normal" anymore...and when it's lost is exactly when you began yearning for it: when you are thinking about it all the time, wondering why you do not get to have the normality that seemingly surrounds you. You regret taking it for granted. You regret not thanking your lucky stars every single minute that YOU had this normality before. So you mourn for it, and you get pretty damn angry about it, and you throw up your hands in complete frustration. And then you embark on a new normal.

This adjustment absolutely sucks, but it has to be done. Literally, in order to rescue a shred of your sanity and be able to walk around without constantly wondering why her and why us and WHY THIS, my little family had to come to terms with the fact that the "normal" existence of all the families around us would not be ours to have. And part of the way to do that is give up on the entire word. Useless!! to us at least. 

I apologize that this has been a much longer prologue than I had planned to explain a quick story. That on Monday of this week past, I had a nightmare of a day that included two intense specialty doctor appointments for lil'bub. One in the morning that involved rush hour traffic, waiting around for an hour and forty five minutes for the doctor to show up, and then listening to things that I don't really want to hear. And another that I asked Bub the hub to take off work and accompany me, because I wasn't really up to the challenge either physically or emotionally. Thankfully, he did, and ALL was fate because after examining Avery's eyes, then dilating her eyes, then waiting thirty long minutes, then returning for prying said screaming child's eyes open to deeply examine everything...whew...this doctor turned to me and said, "Avery's vision is NORMAL for her age range." I almost fell out of my chair. Bub the hub and I looked at each other and I asked meekly, "are you sure????" When I heard affirmation, I then seriously turned into a blubbering mess. I explained to the doctor that this word is not one we ever get to hear in regards to sweet lil'bub...that one particularly ignorant resident at the hospital told me that lil'bub was completely blind after her last surgery...that even though her vision has steadily improved, we never ever in a million jillion years thought those words would come out of her mouth. Like, ever. 

We walked out of that office with so much joy in our hearts and re-belief in miracles and in our little miracle. And we thank our lucky stars every single minute for our new normal.

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7 comments :

  1. great post, cass. love you and that sweet precious Avery!

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  2. I love you friend... and you are very precious indeed. Avery is lucky to have you as a Mommy. Maybe one day, I'll be half the wonderful mother that you are.

    -tjf

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  3. Brought tears to my eyes. Glad her vision is "normal". Hoping for many more "normal" diagnoses in visits to follow. You're a great mom, Cass!

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  4. Loved reading this Cassie...you are so incredibly real, and that is simply wonderful. Avery is blessed to have a mommy as special as you...hugs to you all. :)

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  5. That's exciting Cassie. I love lil' Bub. Miss you all.

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  6. love this cass. i am so happy!

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  7. Cassie- Thanks for such a thoughtful and transparent post. I am constantly amazed at how strong you and Mike are. I know it certainly isn't easy. I'm so thankful for Avery's vision!

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