Let It Go

I am in a funk. I am stressed about Avery's health, overtired, under motivated, and worried for the future. We have six doctor's appointments set up for Avery this month. And one down. On Monday I made the genius decision of taking Maddie with me to Avery's appointment in the med center. We left at 9:30am, arrived at 10:03am and sat in the waiting room for one hour and two minutes. With a 5 year old and a 2 year old who is like the energizer bunny, no joke. We were then led to a tiny exam room where we waited... for 45 minutes... for a RESIDENT to come talk to us. One more resident after that and we finally got to see the doctor we came for--- a full two hours after we arrived. After maybe 15 minutes of talking, they let me know that Avery would need to go downstairs and get blood drawn. Perfect ending. 

"Can we leave this little room now?" asked my 2 year old as I was packing our things up. YES HALLELUJAH I had to keep myself from shouting. Four elevator rides, two blood labs, and one screaming tantrum (NOT from the child getting blood drawn fyi) later, we left for and arrived back home at 2pm. Seriously, I wanted to go hide in my bed for a week. I still do. 

Unfortunately, that is not a mom option. Because these precious little things need me. And no matter how much I just want to go run to MY mom, I will stay and hold them and tell them EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK because that is what they deserve. But letting go of Avery's health stuff is the hardest, hardest thing. I know I cannot control it, I know it does little to dwell on it, but it's my baby. My baby of which I was reminded again at aforementioned appointment, by ridiculously late doctor, that "we didn't think she'd make it." I know she was actually trying to be upbeat, referring to how well Avery has done considering where she started. I don't want to hear it though. I spend enough of my nights reliving every painful moment from the beginning of this journey. I don't want to think about the alternative either. I have so much fear of the (albeit slow) positive progresses she's made for the past 5 years suddenly coming to a end. This past month has not alleviated those fears.

Let it go, let it go.... I'll continue to repeat it. I want to be in the moment with these little loves, not anxiety ridden, worried and run down! I hate how this condition has robbed us of so much peace. 

I think I need to get some sleep. But first post a photo that makes me happy. 
Me and my girls.